“You've got about as much charm as a dead slug.”

“Ever had a flying burrito hit you? Well, it's a deadly projectile, right up there with cannonballs and grenades.”

“"Do you remember back at the hotel when you promised that if we lived, you'd get dressed up in a nurse's outfit and give me a sponge bath?" asked Jace. "It was Simon who promised you the sponge bath." "As soon as I'm back on my feet, handsome," said Simon. "I knew we should have left you a rat."”

“Remember when you tried to convince me to feed a poultry pie to the mallards in the park to see if you could breed a race of cannibal ducks?”

“I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”

“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down and yelled up to the heavens, "Why, God? Why me?" The thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off."”

“Malachi scowled. "I don't remember the Clave inviting you into the Glass City, Magnus Bane."”

“Sarcasm is the last refuge of the imaginatively bankrupt.”

“Not my daughter, you bitch!”

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

“Percy wouldn't notice a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing one of Dobby's hats.”

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”

“Just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have.”

“"Jesus!" Luke exclaimed.”

“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer”

“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”

“Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.”

“If you're gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty.”

“Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business. Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git. Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor. Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball.”

“Is this the part where you start tearing off strips of your shirt to bind my wounds?”

“When it comes down to it, I let them think what they want. If they care enough to bother with what I do, then I'm already better than them.”

“I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.”

“I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.”

“Reality continues to ruin my life.”

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”

“Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another.”

“When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, "Damn, that was fun."”

“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.”

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.”

“Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you'll die of a misprint.”

“Happy Hunger Games! And may the odds be ever in your favor.”

“The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept.”

“"I don't want to be a man," said Jace. "I want to be an angst-ridden teenager who can't confront his own inner demons and takes it out verbally on other people instead." "Well," said Luke, "you're doing a fantastic job."”

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”

“He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.”

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”

“Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.”

“Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.”

“With great power comes great need to take a nap. Wake me up later.”

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?”

“Those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.”

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”

“What a slut time is. She screws everybody.”

“It means "Shadowhunters: Looking Better in Black Than the Widows of Our Enemies Since 1234."”

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”

“Have you ever noticed how 'what the hell' is always the right decision to make?”

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.”

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”