Lemony Snicket

“Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.”

“I suppose I'll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies.”

“If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.”

“If you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the thing is cats.”

“This is my knife. It is very sharp and very eager to hurt you.”

“Sometimes, just saying that you hate something, and having someone agree with you, can make you feel better about a terrible situation.”

“Those unable to catalog the past are doomed to repeat it.”

“Neither were you born yesterday, unless of course I am wrong, in which case welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life.”