“You're a prefect? Oh, Ronnie! That's everyone in the family!”

“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?”

“Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.”

“I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane.”

“One must always be careful of books and what is inside them, for words have the power to change us.”

“I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.”

“I would venture to guess that Anon, who wrote so many poems without signing them, was often a woman.”

“So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. Maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.”

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned the hard way that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity.”

“I finally understood what true love meant: love meant that you care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be.”

“The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.”

“What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.”

“Helloooo? I just made some changes in my life, and if I don't get back to you as soon as possible, then guess what? You were one of those changes.”

“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.”

“Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”

“The sun rose slowly, as if it wasn't sure it was worth all the effort.”

“Now what state do you live in?”

“I commend my soul to any god that can find it.”

“I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed.”

“The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it which the merely improbable lacks.”

“I've noticed that when people are joking they're usually dead serious, and when they're serious, they're usually pretty funny.”

“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.”

“He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.”

“A melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of one who has searched for the leak in life's gas-pipe with a lighted candle.”

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, look to tomorrow, rest this afternoon.”

“If there is one thing I dislike, it is the man who tries to air his grievances when I wish to air mine.”

“Anybody who says they are a good liar obviously is not, because any legitimately savvy liar would always insist they're honest about everything.”

“If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion, and avoid the people, you might better stay home.”

“Neither were you born yesterday, unless of course I am wrong, in which case welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life.”

“The play was a great success, but the audience was a dismal failure.”

“When in doubt, look intelligent.”

“My brain? That's my second favorite organ.”

“Hey, look—your girlfriend is saying something.”

“Thinking is hard work, which is why you don't see many people doing it.”

“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”

“Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.”

“Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.”

“In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.”

“The world isn't fair, Calvin.”

“I’m an atheist and I thank God for it.”

“I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.”

“Let's be reasonable and add an eighth day to the week that is devoted exclusively to reading.”

“I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.”

“I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.”

“As for monkeys, I would have five, and they would be named: See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil, Do Pretty Much Whatever The Hell You Want, and Expensive Attorney.”

“Studies have shown that an ant can carry one hundred times its own weight, but there is no known limit to the lifting power of the average tiny eighty-year-old Spanish peasant grandmother.”

“Just remember, when you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.”

“I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.”

“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”