“If you go home with somebody, and they don't have books, don't fuck 'em!”

“I may die young, but at least I'll die smart.”

“I've got a stele we can use. Who wants to do me?”

“Kaz leaned back. "What's the easiest way to steal a man's wallet?"”

“My ambition is handicapped by laziness.”

“I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”

“Peter would probably throw a party if I stopped breathing.”

“Remember when you tried to convince me to feed a poultry pie to the mallards in the park to see if you could breed a race of cannibal ducks?”

“Books are like mirrors: if a fool looks in, you cannot expect a genius to look out.”

“So please, oh please, we beg, we pray.”

“She generally gave herself very good advice, though she very seldom followed it.”

“When a man gives his opinion, he's a man. When a woman gives her opinion, she's a bitch.”

“My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.”

“My experience of life is that it is not divided up into genres; it's a horrifying, romantic, tragic, comical, science-fiction cowboy detective novel. You know, with a bit of pornography if you're lucky.”

“Kiss me, and you will see how important I am.”

“"What the hell is that?" I laughed.”

“Well, I'm not kissing the mundane. I'd rather stay down here and rot.”

“"Love conquers all," Aphrodite promised. "Look at Helen and Paris. Did they let anything come between them?" "Didn't they start the Trojan War and get thousands of people killed?" "Pfft. That's not the point. Follow your heart."”

“Life is a disease: sexually transmitted, and invariably fatal.”

“Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?”

“Is this the part where you say, "If I hurt her, you'll kill me?"”

“Without pain, how could we know joy? This is an old argument about suffering whose stupidity and lack of sophistication could be plumbed for centuries, but suffice it to say that the existence of broccoli does not in any way affect the taste of chocolate.”

“"I am a man," he told her, "and men do not consume pink beverages. Get thee gone, woman, and bring me something brown."”

“The nicest thing for me is sleep, then at least I can dream.”

“If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.”

“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.”

“Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. He has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do, and if you do any of them he has a special place full of fire, smoke, torture and anguish where he will send you to live and suffer forever.”

“Not my daughter, you bitch!”

“Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; truth isn't.”

“"You haven't got a letter on yours," George observed. "I suppose she thinks you don't forget your name. But we're not stupid — we know we're called Gred and Forge."”

“I lie to myself all the time. But I never believe me.”

“"Wow," Thalia muttered. "Apollo is hot."”

“Being crazy isn't enough.”

“I have never listened to anyone who criticized my taste in space travel, sideshows or gorillas. When this occurs, I pack up my dinosaurs and leave the room.”

“That does it. I'm going to get you a dictionary for Christmas this year.”

“You said you were going for a walk! What kind of walk takes six hours?”

“Percy wouldn't notice a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing one of Dobby's hats.”

“They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.”

“But I don't want to go among mad people, Alice remarked.”

“I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”

“It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true; it's called Life.”

“The road to hell is paved with adverbs.”

“A woman should have money and a man who loves her.”

“The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.”

“Will looked horrified. "What kind of monster could possibly hate chocolate?"”

“Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.”

“Augustus Waters was a self-aggrandizing bastard. But we forgive him. We forgive him not because he had a heart as figuratively good as his literal one sucked, or because he knew more about how to hold a cigarette than any nonsmoker in history, or because he got eighteen years when he should've gotten more.”

“As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.”

“I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.”

“I don't go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me.”