Funny Quotes, page 7

“You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.”

“What kind of man would put a known criminal in charge of a major branch of government? Apart from, say, the average voter.”

“Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything.”

“Let's be reasonable and add an eighth day to the week that is devoted exclusively to reading.”

“When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.”

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.”

“There’s a fine line between support and stalking and let’s all stay on the right side of that.”

“Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.”

“Neither were you born yesterday, unless of course I am wrong, in which case welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life.”

“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, look to tomorrow, rest this afternoon.”

“If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion, and avoid the people, you might better stay home.”

“I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.”

“I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.”

“Just remember, when you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.”

“Studies have shown that an ant can carry one hundred times its own weight, but there is no known limit to the lifting power of the average tiny eighty-year-old Spanish peasant grandmother.”

“Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.”

“As for monkeys, I would have five, and they would be named: See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil, Do Pretty Much Whatever The Hell You Want, and Expensive Attorney.”

“I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.”

“I’m an atheist and I thank God for it.”

“I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.”

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”

“The world isn't fair, Calvin.”

“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”

“A melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of one who has searched for the leak in life's gas-pipe with a lighted candle.”

“Thinking is hard work, which is why you don't see many people doing it.”

“In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.”

“Anybody who says they are a good liar obviously is not, because any legitimately savvy liar would always insist they're honest about everything.”

“Hey, look—your girlfriend is saying something.”

“He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.”