Funny Quotes, page 4

“If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have on your hands is a non-working cat.”

“Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”

“I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”

“When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.”

“As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway.”

“In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.”

“This is my knife. It is very sharp and very eager to hurt you.”

“I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.”

“We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are.”

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.”

“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”

“The only difference between Hitler and Bush is that Hitler was elected.”

“Inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.”

“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.”

“This book was written using 100% recycled words.”

“I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know... I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.”

“Sometimes, just saying that you hate something, and having someone agree with you, can make you feel better about a terrible situation.”

“Adam was but human—this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.”

“Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting.”

“Sometimes, I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry. It merely astonishes me. How can any deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It’s beyond me.”

“I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.”

“I know that David Tennant's Hamlet isn't till July. And lots of people are going to be doing Dr Who in Hamlet jokes, so this is just me getting it out of the way early, to avoid the rush...”

“He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more.”

“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”

“He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.”

“Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”

“There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.”

“We who think we are about to die will laugh at anything.”

“If I'm walking on thin ice, I might as well dance my way across.”

“Grown ups are complicated creatures, full of quirks and secrets.”