About this quote

Anger can stop bad behavior, but contempt often ends the relationship too. Aim to correct what went wrong while keeping respect for the person who made the mistake. Before you react, ask what result you want: change, apology, boundary, or distance. Say what action must stop, state the consequence if it continues, and leave room for repair where you can.

When to use it

• At work after a teammate skipped testing and broke the build: "I can't accept that shortcut, but I still want you on the team if you fix how you test code."
• With my daughter who lied about staying out late: "Lying broke my trust; you have to earn it back, and I won't throw you away for one mistake."
• On the soccer field when a player elbows someone on purpose: "That play is dangerous and has to stop; I'll back you when you change how you play."
• During a repayment discussion with a friend who missed multiple loan deadlines: "Not paying on time hurt me; set a real plan to fix it and we can keep our friendship going."