About this quote

Appearances can hide what actually matters. Notice the quiet actions and the feelings that show up around someone or a choice. Ask yourself a concrete question: what does it feel like to be with this person or to make this decision? If that feeling stays consistent, use it as a practical guide for what to do next.

When to use it

• Hiring meeting at work: the candidate's CV is thin but they light up talking about the team — I said, 'Let's trust what we felt in the interview, not just the resume.'
• At the hospital with my mother: the monitors looked OK but she seemed withdrawn, so I told the nurse, 'Look at how she is sitting and breathing; that tells us more than the numbers.'
• Choosing a college roommate: when one applicant had perfect grades but felt distant, I told my friend, 'I want someone I can relax with, not just someone with a perfect file.'
• On a first date: instead of listing accomplishments, I asked myself, 'Do I feel seen and safe?' and let that feeling guide whether to meet again.